


Nonsense

by Doxi



Category: WildStar (Video Game)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-07
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-09-13 07:30:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16888251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Doxi/pseuds/Doxi
Summary: A collection of funnier, nonsensical drabbles from my Wildstar character's adventures.





	1. A Forbidden Sketchbook

**Author's Note:**

> Hey if you're not one of my close friends and you're reading this, thanks.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _in-adjective-carcosa asked:_
> 
> _What would Sezar's reaction be if he came across fan-drawn porn of himself? ___

“Bar-be-ques are fun!” Maraska chirped, shifting the bag on her shoulder as she walked. “We should go to more, with more food!” She turned to grab at one of the brown paper bags Azhrarn carried. 

Azhrarn shifted his hold on the bags, “I’m pretty sure Zack wants to make this a semi regular thing, less businessy- Will you wait until we get back to the bar, how can you still be hungry?”

“Because I have a fast metaballism.” Maraska harrumphed. “Whatever, I took some of the cookies!” She turned her attention to her duffle bag.

“What- no you don’t get anymore su-”

“AAAAHHH!!” 

“…Okay I guess you can have a few more if you’re going to freak out that bad-”

Maraska threw her bag to the ground, emptying its contents as she flung items left and right. “No! That’s not it!” Her eyes widened in abject horror. “I forgot my sketch book….”

Azhrarn arched a brow. “…Okay…?”

“You don’t understand…” Maraska gripped the now empty bag to her chest. “….It has my ships…”

 

—

Sezar paused in stuffing the empty soda cans into the trash. “…Did any of you leave a sketch book over here?” He called over his shoulder to Zackary and Tanen, lifting the cover to perhaps figure out the ownership. The first page was littered with colorful drawings of various figures, kissing, holding hands, exchanging flowers. Under them a variety of portmanteaus had been scribbled and crossed out. “..What in the world…”

“Aw is that your manga?” Tanen grinned as he leaned over.

“No, I’m not sure who this belongs to,” Sezar continued to flip through the pages. Halting suddenly to choke down a laugh.

“…Is that me?” Tanen blinked.

“Tackery.” Sezar squeaked out.

 

“Oh hell no.” Tanen scoffed. “If I was in an anime, I would look just like Sailor Nexus. This is some flagrant misrepresentation. Where is my magical Vind companion?”

“What are you groots talking about?” Zack strolled over and froze. “Uh…excuse me… why am I making sparkly eyes at Tanen?”

“I am keeping this.” Sezar cackled.

“No way!” Zackary snapped. “I’m not having this printed up on posters or something.”

“Uh if we’re keeping it, someone is redrawing me. I want pig tails.”

“This is just amaz-” Sezar stopped abruptly as he turned another page.

“…Woah.” Zackary stared.

“Oh…” Tanen blinked. 

“Is that..Raventail?” Zackary pointed. “And I think that’s you Doc…”

“…Your chins are so long.” Tanen murmured. “And your hands…that’s some A plus yaoi right there.”

Sezar flung the sketchbook into the fire pit. “We never speak of this again.”

—

“…So these ships aren’t…space ships?” Azhrarn worked the words out slowly and deliberately.

Maraska emitted a low, strangled, whine like noise and held the note for longer than should have been possible.

“I have grossly misunderstood what it was you’ve been doing this whole time…”


	2. Baylien Objects

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _ashmaw-ooc asked:_
> 
>  
> 
> _AU: CESAR AND YAZA ARE THE SCIENTISTS THAT HAVE TO STOP MICHAEL BAY'S METEOR FROM ARMAGEDDONING EARTH. ___

“…It’s this discovery that lead us to call you all here.” Sezar spoke to the remnants of the NexRed crew. He turned to Yaza and gave the nod. A few keystrokes later and the holoprojector that made up their conference table displayed a vaguely spheroid object that appeared to be of many made origin.

Azhrarn lowered his feet from the table, his brows furrowing. “Is that-“

“Yes.” Yaza interjected. “A Baylien Object.”

Maraska blinked. “What’s a …Baylien Object.”

“Legends say that a now mostly defunct race of sapients, fearing for the future of their home world decided to build a structure to house their primitive nuclear weaponry so they may shoot it into space. The structure is composed largely of gasoline powered terrestrial vehicles, and rotary blade flight machines.” Yaza explained, shifting the view of the sphere to show that it was indeed made entirely out of cars, helicopters, and explosives.

“Eventually due to it’s size and…unusual shape it was able to escape the solar system’s orbit and has been spirally through deep space until our own system snagged it.”

“Tch. What sort of idiots would do something like that?” Tanen asked, finger wedged deep in his nose.

Sezar inhaled sharply, but Yaza reached over to lightly pat the Mordesh on the arm. He took a moment to compose himself and continued where his colleague left off. “If this object collides with Nexus, the resulting impact would detonate the nuclear devices. What doesn’t get obliterated in the blast will most likely…be destroyed by getting hit with a vehicle of some form. We’ve devised a plan-“

“Launch me at it.” Rhindani slammed her fists on the table. “I’ll fight it.”

“…It’s..the size of a small moon.” Sezar explained as gently as he could.

Rhindani’s eyes widened. “And? You think I can’t take the moon?”

Sezar stood very still, too stunned to really reply to that statement. His tongue briefly parted the pressed line of his lips before inhaled again. “Okay then. Moving on. We’ve devised a plan, quite possibly the only plan which will safely destroy the object with minimal harm to Nexus.”

“I’m almost scared to ask what that is.” Azhrarn looked around the hologram to the two doctors Multi-Faux Doctorate Holder and Back-Alley Medical Practitioner.

“We will build our own, smaller Baylien object and launch it at the larger one.” Sezar stated bluntly, the hologram blipped to show a second proposed object in comparison to the first.

“And I’ll ride it!” Rhindani shouted, practically foaming at the mouth.

Yaza decided to pick back up while Sezar seemed to suffer from a mild conniption fit. “If we are able to hit the first Object in just the right location it will not only knock it off the orbit that will bring it in contact with Nexus it will potentially cause the explosion to happen at a much safer distance.”

“And that’s safe?” Raventail asked, breaking his silence to voice the majority of the groups skepticism.

“Yaza informs me it could potentially make everyone ill.” Sezar added. 

Yaza looked briefly confused as he turned his head to look up at Sezar. Realizing the misunderstanding he waved his hands. “Oh, no no. I said it would be sick.”

“…Pardon?”

“The explosion. It would be sick.”

“…How can an explosion be ill?”

“No. Sezar. It’s slang. It means awesome.”

“Fuhkin Siiiiick!” Rhindani shrieked, accidentally throwing herself from her chair. Still far too excited about potentially meeting her destiny with what was quite possibly the closest manifestation to her spirit animal in the entire universe.

“Why would you equate positive notions with being ill?” Sezar looked to the rest of the group in disbelief. “Why is your culture so unnecessarily confusing?” He sank into his chair, rubbing his temple and cursing under his breath.

“Soo..” Yaza turned to the others with a bright, too happy smile and clapped his hands. “Who wants to help me build something that might end up killing all of us if we’re not careful!”

Rhindani threw herself against the table and stared wide eyed at Yaza. 

Tanen paused in sucking on his finger to look contemplative. “I’m in.”

Azhrarn, who had been watching Tanen with mild disgust and horror. “Uh. I can probably donate some scrap metal to the cause.”

“I know where we can get the explosives!” Maraska clenched her fists near her cheeks and practically beamed. Azhrarn did a double take.

“Can we strap Tanen to it?” Raventail grinned, tail sweeping lazily behind him. He only looked more smug when Yaza shot him a quite ‘could you not’ expression.

“Yes.” Sezar answered.

“That is so unfair.” Rhindani snarled.


	3. Will you marry me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Send me a ∞ for my character’s reaction to a marriage proposal from yours  
>  _ashmaw-ooc asked:_
> 
> _OH GOSH DO YAZA! ___

Yaza poked his head into Sezar’s office. “I have a plan.”

“No.” Sezar droned without looking up from his notes.

“But you haven’t even heard it yeeet!” Yaza leaned forward, shoulders slumping, ears dripping, his lower lip jutting out in a pout.

“Still no.” Sezar continued being absorbed in his work.

“Hear me out, okay? I was doing some research-”

“Doubtful.”

 

“I was doing some research,” Yaza repeated, eyes narrowing as he approached the desk. The tip of his nose barely crested over the top. Sezar’s pen halted on his notes, eyes shifting slightly to stare at the Aurin. “Particularly the number of abandoned children in the orphanages in correlation to familial groups-”

“Please stop talking.”

“And I realized that the standard nuclear family setup does wonders for-”

“No.”

“Plus given the substantiel amount of under the table money you get-”

“Am I going to have to throw you out?”

“Adding that to the Exile mandated benefits that families recieve-”

“I am throwing you out.” Sezar stood up from his desk, long legs making quick strides around the desk just as Yaza scambled around in the opposite direction.

“Wait wait!” Yaza cried, “All I’m asking is if you want to get married and raise a child together.”

Sezar froze. “Wh-” He stared at Yaza who smiled. “…Huh?”

“I said, do you want to get married? To me? And raise a child together? With me?”

Sezar, for a moment, seemed deeply perplexed. His jaw slackened, his head slowly tipped to the side as if Yaza was some strange form of bug that was doing something equally horrific and fascinating. Slowly, the dots connected.

“Are you…asking me to marry you so that we can adopt an orphan, and then use said orphan so that we, specifically you, could reap the monetary benefits provided by our already taxed and malformed government?”

 

“What! No.” Yaza scoffed. “No, absolutely not. Why do you think they’d figure it out that easily?”

“That’s deplorable!”

“Well when you say it like you did, then yeah it sounds deplorable!” Yaza raised his hands defensively and scowled.

“Because it is!” Sezar snarled. “What is this, plan M for paying off your considerable debts?”

“I don’t assign letter values to my plans.” Yaza scoffed again, folding his arms. “I use the dewey decimal system, it provides more leeway in preparing additional but related plans.”

The tension in Sezar’s body slackened considerably, he could only sigh. “Am I the first person you came to with this asinine plan of yours?”

“Yes.”

“Dare I ask, why?”

“Well, I have a multi-point scale on determining morality, and I found that while the risk of you eating out adoptive child would be rather high. Your proclivities for threatening weaker beings, coupled with your insistence for practicing illegal medicine, and the fact that you’re a meany-pants hate-face gives you a suitably gray morality.” Yaza paused to breath, “Which, I felt, would have been most likely to agree to enter into a possibly illegal contract with me.” He smiled.

Sezar glowered.

Yaza’s ears drooped. “…Should..should I leave?”

“Yes.” Sezar stalked across the room, throwing open one of the screened sliding doors that blocked off the rest of his home from his office.

“Could I potentially suggest my alternative marriage plan that does NOT involve adopting children?” Yaza asked cautiously peering into the small stoage space. A sudden whack of a broom sent him wheeling backwards. “Okay!”

Sezar smacked him again. “Get.”

“It’s barely illegal!” Yaza shouted, tail puffing up as he darted over a table towards the door.

“Psst! Psst!” Sezar shook the broom at him again.

Yaza threw open the door, pausing to point an accusing finger at Sezar. “I didn’t want to marry you anyway! I’d be settling!” With that the Aurin stormed out, slamming the door behind him.

Sezar waited.

The door creaked open.

“By the way, uh. I still need to borrow your books on, uh, the molecular biology of Nexus plants.”

 

Sezar watched him. “That’s fine.”

“Can I come get them tomorrow?”

“Yeah, I’m free after four.”

“Okay, good, thank you.” Yaza nodded, easing the door shut more carefully this time. Just before it closed he poked his head in one last time. “Jerk!” And then he was gone.


	4. You made that up for notes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _ashmaw-ooc asked:_
> 
> _SEXAR AND YAZUMS. "MAKE IT PURPLE" ___

The door to the Nexred clinic flew open, sending in a gust of wind that threatened to scatter the rosy haired Mordesh’s notes across the desk. He turned swiftly to confront the aggressor who dared show up after clinic hours and without an appointment, but the words caught in his throat when in the dim light he saw who stood there.

“Doctor Wintermint…!”

Yaza lifted his head, snow silk tresses falling over his ember red eyes that burned into the Mordesh’s soul like two high powered lasers. “I’ve come to tell you, your blog post?”

Sezar brought a hand to his chest, he knew the blow that was about to be struck. For as little as his eyes showed emotion, they seemed to beg Yaza, no. Anything but that.

“Was wrong.” Yaza turned his head to the side as he spoke the words, letting each syllable cut deeper than the last. Had his words been actual blades, medical examiners would have had no trouble ascertaining the cause of such a gruesome cut down. Two stabs straight to the heart (if Mordesh even still had those, which according to his latest post, they did not).

The Mordesh doctor was wounded deep, the pain written across his normally expressionless face. It might have moved a lesser Aurin to sympathy, but Yaza was no lesser Aurin. He strolled coolly through the clinic unswayed by such things as emotions or worrying about hurting people’s feelings.

“I…I only said it because…” Sezar found the words hard to speak, they caught in his throat as the Aurin neared the reception desk. An act of which would have been furiously cool, had the desk not been so tall only the tops of Yaza’s ears were noticeable. He lifted his head, wide eyes and nose poking over the edge in a manner that all cat owners would be familiar with. Except this cat, was of the cool variety. “I was so intensely jealous of your six PhDs and your exceptionally soft silky hair. I see now that I was…”

“Don’t be so hard on your self.” Yaza droned, lacking all the inflection that suggested Sezar had nothing to be ashamed of.

“No.” The taller of the doctor’s breathed out. He leaned over the desk, long elegant fingers curling over the edge so he could be nose to nose with the Aurin. “I was…a meanie face.”

Yaza tried not to let how much hearing those words calmed the torment in his soul. He tore his gaze from Dr. Otro’s eternally unblinking one, ears pinning back as he searched his soul for the forgiveness this pale pitiful soul deserved.

“I never noticed before…” Sezar continued, voice dropping to a low, flirtatious purr. “How utterly precious you are.”

Yaza’s attention snapped back to the taller man, grabbing him by his metal clad chin. “It’s my middle name.”

And then, with a sudden flurry of movement the exceptionally handsome, and extremely smart Aurin turned and strode back towards the door. He could hear the breath catching in Sezar’s throat, a mix of longing and realization that he would never be as cool as Dr. Yaza Wintermint. And then I- he. He. Jumped on his uni-blade bike and rode off, too extreme to be tied down by things like emotions and feelings.”

Yaza paused, hiccuped and traced his hand across the bar, “Vroooom.” He snickered briefly, then dropped his face into the cradle of his arms.

Azhrarn had stopped everything he was doing long ago to stare in confused awe as the Aurin babbled on. The spellslinger then turned his attention to the Mordesh who sat beside Yaza. Sezar wore an expression of profound embarrassment and confusion. The Doctor stared at the barman, then raised his shoulders in a horrified shrug.

“He came by the clinic and wouldn’t stop crying. He said I was datachron bullying him.” The words came out far too quickly. As if there was some horrid possibility someone might believe Yaza’s words over his. “I offered to buy him a drink…but..I think all the Red Rowsdower in his system has acted as an accelerator.”

“Mm hmm.” Az eyed the doctor. “So are you going to pick up his tab, Doctor Meanie face?”

Sezar glared. 

Beside him, Yaza whimpered into his arms. “He’s so mean..”


	5. CHUNG CHUNG

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _misskatonic-rp asked:_
> 
> _Sezar and Azhrarn. Buddy Cops. ___

In Thayd’s war on crime, the worst criminal offenders are pursued by the detectives of the Major Case Squad. These are their stories. 

CHUNG CHUNG

Detective Azhrarn loomed over the crime scene, his tongue working at the backs of his teeth, head shaking in slow disbelief. “Twice in less than a month. What sort of sick bastard do we got on our hands?”

His partner, Sezar was crouched down closer to the destruction. “Not a professional.” He murmured. “You see this splatter pattern?” One long finger traced the air above a line of errant spray, half destroyed by some attempts at cleaning. “They dropped the first bottle, attempted to clean it up.” Sezar stood slowly, “Probably with a towel, and their foot.” He mimicked the action of someone trying to sop up a spill.

“Great, an amateur. Well, he’s escalating.” Azhrarn turned to look over the carnage one last time. He turned to a nondescript CSU lackey, “Get a picture of that splatter, look for any trace.” The lackey, not having any speaking lines written, nods.

The two detectives turned and began exiting the building. Azhrarn’s mouth turned down at the corners. Sezar watched him as they walked. 

“Something on your mind?”

“It’s getting to me.” Azhrarn seethed. “Despite nearly fifteen seasons of this shit, I have yet to learn how to quell my aggression and it’s making me want to lash out in inappropriate ways!” Azhrarn’s voice rose into a barely contained snarl as he lashed out in an inappropriate way, kicking over a line of trashcans.

“Azhrarn calm down!” Sezar attempted to calm his partner, grabbing him by the shoulders and staring earnestly at him.

“We got to get this guy Sezar.”

“And we will, but we need you to keep calm.”

Azhrarn’s lips pressed into a thin line as he looked broodingly off into the distance. 

“The victims need you to keep calm.”

“You’re right.” Azhrarn breathed. “You’re right. I…it’s just so hard to have meaningful character development when I’m written to be aggressive and easily panicked by things I don’t understand. My back story dictates it.”

“Hey.” Sezar said soothingly. “Hey.” He repeated, tipping his head slightly. He looked down as his Datachron began to ping, successfully halting any meaningful discourse that could have built on Azhrarn’s character. “It’s the captain.” Sezar looked up, managing to look slightly startled. “They have our guy.”

 

CHUNG CHUNG

 

Raventail sat in the interrogation room, his fingers curling and flexing against the metal table. His foot jiggled against the floor and his long tail twitched frantically behind him.

“That’s the guy?” Azhrarn asked in disbelief. 

Zackary stood with the detectives on the other side of the one way mirror. “Officer’s picked him up outside a convenience store.” He turned his gaze from the glass to Azhrarn. “He fits the description the eye witness gave us.”

“It’s not enough.” A.D.A Dansforth shook her head. “We can’t hold him because of an eye witness statement.”

“Yeah but he doesn’t know that.” Azhrarn lifted his chin. “Give me ten minutes with him.”

“You have five, then cut him loose before he lawyers up.” Dansforth said sternly. He pointed at the detectives. “Get me something I can take to a judge.” With that she turned and stormed from the room.

Azhrarn stormed into the interrogation room, Sezar on his heels.

“Getting sloppy Raventail.” He smirked.

“What are you talking about?” Raventail snarled. 

“You know what I’m talking about!” Azhrarn slammed his hands onto the table. “You’re scum!”

“You can’t talk to me like that!” The dark haired Aurin hissed.

“Hey.” Sezar said soothingly, leaning on the table with a knowing smile. “Look, it’ll be easier on you if you just admit to it. After all they’ve written my partner into a corner and it’s been at least a season since he was made to leave the force or sent to the disciplinary board.”

“I was in the Marines.” Azhrarn growled.

“I didn’t do anything!” Raventail slammed his fists onto the table. “I don’t even know what I’m being charged with! You can’t keep me here!”

Beyond the mirror, Captain Zackary starred, brows furrowed, mouth turned down in a scowl while FBI Analysts and Psychology Today Parrot, Dr. Yaza Wintermint stared past the glass. 

“What are your thoughts Doc?” Zackary asked without turning his head.

“I don’t think he’s our guy.” Yaza sighed, head shaking. “He’s aggressive yes, but aggression isn’t what I’m getting out of this crime. These actions seem almost sympathetic. Regretful even.” Yaza looked on, his reflection dramatically overlaying the scene in the interrogation room where Azhrarn inexplicably threw a chair against a wall. “He may be a rude, obnoxious meanie butt…” He turned to Zackary looking up at him with honest, dewey eyes, “But I think we’ve got the wrong guy.”

“What about the witness statement?”

“Witnesses are unreliable, the stress of the moment.” Yaza looked down, head shaking as he tried to act like he was not probably the most bored actor on the entire set. It wasn’t like he was called in every other episode to repeat the same Psychology 101 facts. “It could confuse people.”

Zackary pursed his lips, turning his attention back to Raventail who was being choked out for no reason while Sezar attempted to separate Azhrarn from yet another subplot dealing with his anger. 

“Can you make me a better profile?”

“I think so.”

 

CHUNG CHUNG

 

Azhrarn sat at his desk, head in his hands. “We almost had him Sezar. We almost had him!”

“Hey,” Sezar placed a hand on Azhrarn’s shoulder, tipped his head and smiled. “Hey.”

“Well, maybe I can sweeten your day.” Tanen announced as he strolled into the station, wearing sunglasses for no good reason. “Went to TARU and got them to run the victims Datachron records. Lot’s of calls made, but check this out.” He extended a sheet of paper. 

“What’s this?” Azhrarn asked, his brow furrowing as Sezar moved to stand silently over his shoulder to better facilitate the moment he would dramatically grab the paper from his hands.

“It’s the victims internet searches.” Tanen tipped his head smuggly. “You know the internet right? That’s where all the good conspiracies happen. In fact, on the internet you can read the Space Oprah is actually -not- a mind controlling Lizard.” This was a nod to the older viewers in the audience who remembered Tanen back in his stand up comedy days.

“Riiight.” Azhrarn nodded, his smile suggesting he found Tanen’s antics amusing, but did not put much stock in them. “So what am I looking at here?”

“Hold on.” Sezar reached out, dramatically grabbing the paper from his hands. His eyes rapidly scanned the paper. “This search here! It’s for an online groccer. I’ve seen these before, you can order produce and they’ll deliver it directly to your home…”

“Good eye.” Tanen nodded, shoving his hands into his pockets. 

“So wait,” Ice-T began. “Are you saying that there’s websites that you can go on to order food and stuff? Kind of like going to the store, but instead the store comes to you?”

“That’s exactly what we’re saying.” Tanen nodded. “And, I pulled up the employee list for the groccer delivery. Check out that name on the top list.” He held out a second sheet of paper.

Azhrarn looked it over, brows lifting in disbelief. “I’ll be damned.”

“What?”

Azhrarn smiled. “It was the character we spoke to in the very beginning of the episode who was really helpful.”

“The one with the dramatic music?” Sezar took a step back, eyes scanning the room in disbelief. “I can’t believe it.”

Azhrarn smiled, tipping his gaze up and letting his voice drop into a triumphant husky tone. “The very same.”

 

CHUNG CHUNG

 

“Miss Brighthave!” Sezar called from the doorway. He looked to Azhrarn when there was no knock. “Police open up!”

“We can’t wait for that.” Azhrarn growled, stepping back from the door and releasing an entire episode of pent up aggression by kicking it in. The two looked into the room, the music growing painfully tense as the scene was slowly revealed.

Milk jugs littered the room, some emptied, some half drunk and spilling onto the floor. Curled on her side in the middle of mess was the criminal who’d spilt gallons of the stuff all over the crime scene. 

“I need a bus!” Azhrarn shouted as he rushed to her side, lifting Maraska’s head in his hands and shaking her. “Wake up, damn you, wake up.” Sezar stood in the doorway, being largely unhelpful but speaking frantically into the walkie-talkie. 

Maraska’s eye lids fluttered as she coughed. “My…My tummy hurts.”

“How much did you drink!” Azhrarn whispered. “How much did you drink?”

“Like…three gallons…” Maraska murmured.

“Ambulance is on the way, Azhrarn.” Sezar told him, voice not raising.

“Why’d you do it Mar, why’d you steal all that milk?”

“Because.” Maraska grinned in the most overly trumped up evil way she could manage. “I could.”

“You’re sick.” Azhrarn muttered in disbelief.

“No.” Maraska whispered. “…Actually yes… I think I’m gonna-”

“Maraska don’t you flippin’ dare throw up on me-”

 

The screen faded to black before she could. Everything going entirely silent. 

Produced by Dick Wolf.


End file.
